My own jealousy

"It's my personal opinion that jealousy is made up of a suite of emotions, just like a football team is composed of a bunch of players. Sometimes, not every player is involved in a play but the team gets credit- or blame- when the play is called. This usually means that just calling out the whole team - I'm jealous - doesn't really reveal too much information. So I wanted to list all the things I have actually meant over the past years when I told a poly or open partner that I was jealous. Or when I didn't tell them like i should have. I'm afraid of losing you You can't possibly think he's as good as me Really? You think he's attractive? I'm concerned about what the people here are going to think Why can't I be the desirable one today? I am unable to emotionally process this right now I feel insecure because of other things I feel insecure because of something you did I don't trust that person I don't trust you right now, to care for my feelings I haven't considered my feelings yet and want time to do that Fear/anger/loss/insecurity/need that I can't put into words right now and I'm a little sad you don't pick up on. If you do this, people will laugh at me I just want one thing in the world for myself right now. I just want to see you right now I just want I feel like you are angry at me and that makes this not good I question your motives I question the motives of that person I don't feel good enough in other areas of my life right now I am unsure about your judgment I need attention I feel like I'm doing more work than you We are drifting apart I want you to feel like you belong here And I'm sorry I used the shorthand. "I'm jealous" really didn't give you any information." The above is given full credit to mutilato on Fetlife and he has given me full permission to use his writing here. In reading his words, I've come to comprehend my own feelings of jealousy that I could not express fully. I'm jealous is not enough to go on, or truly explain what the deeper hurt is. We've been hurt so far beyond I'm jealous and I could never really tell anyone. It's hard to say this is how I feel and I want you to know, so we can talk and work it out together. So I don't bottle it. So it doesn't build up and cause fights in our relationship. But there is more. I also love you both. And even that word doesn't encompass the emotion of it. Yet that's a story for another post. I'm sorry, and thank you for having patience with me.

Her worries

How do you disconnect with the overwhelming insecurities that come to buzz around and consume your thoughts in any relationship? Depending on the person, it is a heart wrenching idea, that any of those deep rooted feelings can push away someone you simply want closer to you. Lets say you have built that relationship with someone. They have come to love you unconditionally and would give you their world without a second thought. You couldn't be happier right? Then think, what if they want to add another into this happiness? What runs through your mind? Are you less than what they hoped for? Did they find someone else to love? Will you be pushed to the back burner for someone new? What have you done wrong for it to be this way rather than the happiness you had? I am speaking from the other side, as one who asked to add another person to an unbelievable relationship. Boiling everything down, for how I feel, there is no desperate need from something my girl cannot give. There is no deep desire to sneak around and gain something missing. She is everything to me. My love, my life, and I thought I could never be happier. It is all only made a deeper connection by her being there and enjoying our Poly triad as it continues to expand and flourish or even if it crashes and burns. A little back story on our situation should be given first. My girl and I have been together 3 years now and like any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. We've moved all around the country, met amazing friends as well as some less than desirable people, and I would have never done any of it without my other half. She's been nothing but supportive when I've felt at my worst. We've had jobs, quit them, moved and done it all over again. There was no place that made us feel at home. No people that really connected with us anywhere except the place we had originally left. But now we were stuck living in AZ with no way back, since this is where my mom was and we didn't have a choice but to live with her. I slowly felt myself becoming depressed but realized, I'm not the only one involved in this. Molly suffered more by watching me pity my poor self. So I shook off the mood and we went on with our life. I was worried about her emotional state being effected at this point. I was unsure of what could be done. Then he came along. Someone I had no interest in talking to. He was another guy that wanted to get his dick wet, right? At least that's what most of our experience has been. No one wanted to develop a friendship, never mind anything deeper, unless it was them trying to get in something. So what could this guy possibly offer? But we gave him the benefit of the doubt and met him in a public place. After a few hours, Molly and I had a moment alone and she looked at me with a big grin, asking what I thought of him. At that moment, it was clear she had a good first impression, otherwise she would have been ready to go after 5 minutes. Instead, we were there for nearly 5 hours. It simply flowered out from there, developing naturally. A deep emotion and caring that had never been felt for either of us since each other. And then came the time to ask Molly how adding him to our relationship would make her feel. She was apprehensive, which I expected, due to past failed Poly relationships. We talked, endlessly that night, and I was able to put her worries at ease. Without communication, all of the fear and hesitation she faced could have prevented a wonderful thing from developing deeper. It also brought back some of the fire in our relationship and has helped us being in better spirits. Part of that, I believe, is the level of love and caring he shows for us and our emotional distress in putting trust in him and still hold trust with each other to always be open. It is a constant battle, but one that doesn't have to end in casualties. It comes down to putting yourself aside sometimes and devoting your time to showing anyone you're trying to have close to including in your life that trust is earned on either side, whether it's your own special triad or something more.

Unicorns, Poly, and happiness?

Lifestyle change brings on countless possibilities. Moving opens your life to new friends and experiences. Changing careers allows for the expansion of knowledge and chances to advance. Then there are the deeper, more personal changes many don't discuss because that's "not how we were raised" and mentally goes against many of the morals that are leaned at a young age. Yet, there is the curiosity, the desire, to know more or even experience these personal longings. Even if we spend many years hiding it from ourselves, family, or even a significant other. The particular life changing event I wish to discuss at this particular time is Polyamory. For anyone unaware of what that is, exactly, it means the desire or practice of having an intimate relationship with more than one person with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It's something that many people are uncomfortable with, since many people are hard wired to be monogamous above all else. So I'm sure you're lounging in bed saying, well, yeah, there's one person for everyone. ONE! Anything more is just out of greed or selfish need. Or maybe your sitting on the couch thinking, I've had those thoughts, but I would never think about acting on them! Well no matter your view, I'm sitting cross legged on the floor as I type this, wanting to break that mold of uncomfortable that comes to some people and the thought of greed and a selfish nature needed for something such as a Poly lifestyle. It's easy for someone with no knowledge to close their eyes and block their ears, pretending such things couldn't possibly exist. It's a sad way to live but I can understand the situation, since I used to be that way, to a lesser extent. It was easier to ignore since the whole thing seems like it can be a hot mess that I'd rather keep my own hands out of. My girl and I have been together nearly 3 years and the thought of someone else wanting to be with her intimately made me terribly angry more than anything. And jealous. We can't forget jealous. It was easy to have play time with men and for me to feel nothing after, even if I knew the favored her more. It didn't matter, they weren't hanging around and yet...the jealousy would come and go. I knew if nothing else, at least she was mine and mine alone, never to be shared past playing. As long as the rules were followed. Then again, I think that was sometimes part of the problem, my few rules seemed to be broken a time or two, by one person in particular, and that seemed to seal every man's fate as far as our relationship went. It became a tiring game with others, always making me feel left out. Then again, it was more them and me, considering my girl never gave me a reason to have that feeling. They never seemed to care much, which made me defensive of the life we were building and have spent time making stronger. Who were they to lust after my girl like that? They should be grateful to me for even inviting them to play with US! Like worshipping my feet grateful! There was no way, even if hell froze over, that I would give anyone the chance to be happy with her. Only I got that. Not that she had ever asked me for anything more. She was very against it as well. Religiously so. No problem then right? But life is never that simple. We finally made another lifestyle change recently, relocating to Arizona to get our life in order, or make an attempt to. At this point, our focus was on us. We didn't need to waste our time, not if it would be overly complicated to attempt at play with people who were mostly misleading at the end of it all. Then came a fateful day that changed both of our views entirely. There was a message in my Fetlife inbox that I was none too excited for. It was a common occurrence, for us to relocate and have all sorts of men wanting to get laid. Not to say I'm hot shit or anything and expect it. But it happens, one way or another, at some point in time. I had no desire to talk with this man but can say I've always been one to give the benefit of the doubt. How could I be so rude as to outright ignore him? So we talked, made plans to hang out, rethought these plans, then finally agreed to meet him at a local Dennys. Five hours later, I was beyond surprised we all clicked so well and so quickly. It developed from there and we took our first step into the Poly side of life, being lucky enough to want a deep, intimate relationship with us both. He made it easy for the two of us, with no previous desire, to dive in nearly head first. It was unimaginable, to find another someone for us to love. Most people were lucky to find their true love. And we were lucky enough to find another?! I made a point to tell him he shouldn't feel he belongs to us. He would be welcome, at anytime, to pursue someone he took interest in to be happy. And yet, that desire doesn't cross his mind, he simply wants his girls by his side. He is sweet, respectful, and above all, loving to us both equally. There seem to be various definitions for a Unicorn and I feel he is ours. A creature so noble and desired by all yet never to be had. And here we all are, happier than I would have ever expected in my life. I can say from a point of view that would have never accepted this type of relationship before, it is not a desire to have more than I need. It is not to fulfill some fantasy that was never lived out. There is no desire to cheat, exclude, or otherwise see anyone hurt. Our relationship of Polyfidelity happily started and developed quickly. Nothing I would have ever expected and a happiness for everyone involved. I see us as unbelievably lucky, as so many times I've seen it turn ugly. Instead, I was blessed with a gorgeous girl and the sweetest Sir I could have ever asked for. All in all, I've learned not to jump to conclusions about Poly or any other type of relationship those around me desire. There is always a side you haven't yet seen and who knows? You might even be missing out. ;)